worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
