he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
