my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
