I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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