And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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