I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
