it wasn't lemon gatorade
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
