Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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