It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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