Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
