sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
