he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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