Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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