The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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