I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
