She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
