Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize