i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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