I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
