i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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