Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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