At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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