She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
