According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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