god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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