Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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