Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize