Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
