hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
