Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
