She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I need to calm my uterus...
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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