When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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