I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
