I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Can you bring me the toilet please
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
