You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
