I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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