I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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