thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
