I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
