Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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