Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
