How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
