Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
