And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Pants are for mortals
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
