I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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