Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
