fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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