im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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