I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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