she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
