so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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