Already got asked if we're dating
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
