Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
zippers are such a cool invention
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
