we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
