Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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