I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
