I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
It's just like the Real World with babies
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize