I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
where are my eyebrows?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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