You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize