you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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