if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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