She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
being pregnant is like rehab
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
