Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize