WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
