Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
