fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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