i barfeds in our rink
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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