i think i have two assholes
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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