Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
