i can't believe i had my finger in that
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
